Passed Over for Promotion & Pay Raise:
What To Do (and Not Do)
Right After
to Get Another Shot

Passed Over?
Don’t Be Mr. Spock!
Express Your Distress!
(but don’t be too mushy either)

part 1 of 2

The no. 4 DO right after being passed over for a promotion or a pay raise or both is:

Express Your Distress

You need to start paving a new road, that will take you all the way to the next opportunity for a pay raise or a promotion, or both! And you need to do this, out of the rubble that is your current political position at the office, together with your crushed self-esteem, and a sprinkle of a sense of betrayal (by your boss), for good measure…

This may sounds too dramatic. but it’s not. It’s an accurate description of your emotional state, at this time, isn’t it? These are, indeed, the hallmarks of being passed over.

And since this is your emotional state, you might be doing what many others tend to do, at such a state, and that is, go into your shell, like a turtle, or snail, and being subdued in your expression of your distress, i.e. more of the “good boy” employee mentality and behavior.

Now, Express Your Distress is one of those steps where subtleties come into play again, so you need to make sure you understand what it is, and what it is not.

Remember we’ve said you not Larry David? Well, you’re not Mr. Spock either. [Sorry to step all over your artistic pretensions].

Seriously, it is because you are not Mr. Spock, that expressing no emotion whatsoever, especially when it is absolutely called for, and reasonable, makes you a Vulcan. But unlike Mr. Spock, no one is going to revere you for that.

In this post/video, you’ll get the 5 step sequence, of how to execute this, plus exact scripts, with precise wording for you to say, plus how to actually assert yourself to your boss and colleagues, right after being passed over for promotion, or a pay raise, or both, in a way that will ensure it never happens again!

Express Your Distress does NOT mean being over emotional, crying, collapsing, acting depressed and miserable, being overtly emotionally distraught, and all together extremely… touchy feely. This is what it’s NOT.

It IS however,  easily admitting to anyone at the office, who asks, or cares to listen: “Yes, of course I’m upset, I’m extremely disappointed, and even deeply surprised and -yes- hurt”.

It’s also okay if you walk around with a longer face than usual, for some time. Just don’t be all gloom and doom, because then, you’ll just repel people. Plus, you might project an air of emotional instability, if you do that, which is obviously not what you want.

So the trick is admitting what you are truly feeling, without trying to hide it, and having the body language to match, but – and here comes the subtlety- without being too emotionally needy, or crossing the bounds of appropriate emotional expression, in the workplace.

This is true regarding your boss, your colleagues, and everybody you come in contact with, at the office.

You’d be surprised but this also includes clients and vendors: With them you should never INITIATE this conversation, but if it comes up, you should address it heads on, without flinching.

This is more likely to happen with long time clients and vendors. They tend to be involved – to some degree or another- with many people across your department, sometimes to a degree of real friendships that have evolved over the years. Thus, the Grapevine regarding you being passed over, is very likely to get to them as well, and they may address it, so you need to be prepared, which is what we doing now.

Also they may be friends with you too, so they may feel close enough, so that they can’t afford NOT to touch on the subject. So if they initiate it, do not shy away from it, do not freeze, or feel awkward, or uncomfortable – I’m preparing you now, so that doesn’t happen.

Instead, do the following: (and here comes the five-step sequence with the precise wording I’ve promised before. This you, obviously, do with your boss and colleagues as well, not just clients and vendors)

1.First, acknowledge it: “yes it’s true I was passed over”

2. Then, admit your feelings, that are the normal human way anyone would feel, under the same circumstances: “Yes, I’m very disappointed and upset”.

And here comes the most important part – it has to do with your professionalism:
3. Stress that those feelings do not have anything to do with your commitment to the project you’re working on together, then add: “Because I am a professional”
4. And then finish with a note of hope, that also shows resilience on your part: “I’m sure there will be other opportunities, so I’ll just up my game even further”.

Now, remember the sophistication and subtleties I keep talking about? Well, here’s yet another example for that, and why it is so important. Note my very precise wording: “I’ll just up my game EVEN further”.

There are 3 subtleties that this wording conveys:

a. It’s not that my game was down up ’till now! No! On the contrary! It was high all along, it’s just that NOW, I’m going to up it even further.

b. Therefore, I was actually deserving of that promotion, and/or pay raise, I didn’t get, and…
c. Therefore, surely you should be on my side…

5. Finally, smile, and revert back to business talk, which will be your signal to them, of your boundary regarding this personal short conversation, so that it doesn’t drag, and doesn’t make your failure the focus of your communication, with that other person.

Being able to understand those layers, that you need to address, IS the subtlety, and, being able to express this subtlety in words, and without saying the thing itself, but just making the listener infer what you want them to – this this is sophistication.

To illustrate this even more, think of the iconic Seinfeld episode, of “being master of your domain“. Enough said.

To sum up, the full sequence is of 5 steps, and is very short, so as to not be oppressive, both to you and your counterpart:

1- Admit you’re upset

2- Keep your boundaries (so, for example, if you’re devastated, don’t show them that – you don’t want them to think you’re unstable)

3- Assure it does not affect your performance, nor any of your relationships at the office i.e. you’re a professional

4-Express hope for the future, to show your  resilience

5- Pivot back to the business at hand, which is yet another manifestation of your professionalism: You don’t dwell on, or wallow in, your own emotions, but instead, you’re plowing ahead, onwards and upwards!

Thus, it’s just a quick in-and-out, and boom! You nailed it!