Now, some of you may say “hey that’s not fair! How come my happiness, my relationship, has suddenly become the “bad guy”, and is now responsible for potentially wrecking the whole team?” My answer to that is: it is not a matter of whether it is fair, or unfair. That is irrelevant. It is just the way it is. This is true for all humans, across cultures, times, and situations.

Look, the best analogy is a family. (Mind you team at work and the family, are not the same, but some aspects of the relationships within them, definitely are). So, think of yourself, and your nuclear family: Your parents, a sister and, a brother. If you have issues with one another, you can just talk to them directly, and resolve it. The three siblings and the two parents, are a unit, a team.

But before all three siblings were born, there were the parents as a couple. They have their own thing, their own balance, their own equilibrium: Who takes out the trash, who does the dishes, how they spend any free time, etc. But then, with each child being added to this established dynamics, everything changes, and new dynamics need to form, which is exactly why each birth, of each child, is a very (on top of very happy) very stressful time in any family unit life.

Let’s take this analogy one step further – it will bring this example home, pun intended. Now each of you kids are grown, and suppose you need your brother to lend you some money for whatever reason. You go directly to him and ask for it. And since your brothers allegiance is to you, as part of his nuclear family, he will probably agree, and lend you the money you need.

But now, you’ve grown some more, and each of you is bringing a partner into the mix. Suddenly, the “original five” of you, are becoming 6 and 7 and 8… This is a whole new family.

Now when you want to ask your brother for a loan, he will have to get his wife’s permission because they have a joint account and it’s not just for him to say what they do with the money. And maybe she says ‘no’. What then? So your family dynamics have completely shifted, once a couple in the form of your brother and his wife is introduced to it, as a couple, thus the whole relationship shifts. You’re probably very frustrated that your sister-in-law is factor in this equation. But she is.

It will get even trickier when you marry, and when your sister marries, too – your wife may not be so close with your sister-in-law, which will make you and your brother drift apart, for example.

So to sum this point up: Any clique, of any sort, a romantic couple included, once introduced to a well-established group of people, weather of family or a team at work, disrupts and destructs, the equilibrium, to the point of creating a lot of tension there. And to bring it back home, as promised, ‘home’ being the office, the workplace, this tension will give further rise to all the other BossProblems we’ve mentioned, thus screw your chances of landing that promotion, and or pay raise you want.

Let me give you 3 workplace  examples, that I’m sure you can relate to, and that will further convince you that I’m not exaggerating: an office romance, with a co-worker, does change everything within a team, and thus, jeopardizes both of your careers:

1. Lunchtime
   While obviously you always had coworkers you we’re closer with, thus you tended to go out to lunch with those people, more than others, (although if you were smart politically, you would make sure to mix it up, but we’ll talk about it another time), so, although you didn’t necessarily go out to lunch with everybody in your team or department, even before you fell in love with your coworker, it is quite safe to assume that, it was more or less randomly distributed. It was more utilitarian in nature, so: who was free at the same time, who wanted to go to the same restaurant, or order in from the same cuisine.

This gives everybody a comfortable feel, even if totally sub-conscious, that everybody is, more or less, a potential lunch-mate for you, and you (and your now-beloved), are for them, and so, everybody is more or less on the same level, socio-metrically. (Socio-metrics being the practice of measuring distances between people of the same group: whom is closed with whom, whom is distant with whom, and whom is all together shunned by all, and doing so to draw conclusions as to the degree of cohesiveness of the group, or lack thereof.)

This was the socio-metric state of affairs, before your office romance, so both of you held a benign non-clique status, in your team or department. Ya’ll were one of the guys / gals.  

But now, it’s all different. You go to lunch only with one another, to the point of excluding even your closest friends in the team. Do you think they like it? No! they feel abandoned! At the beginning they were rooting for you and thinking it was so cute, but as time went by they resented you more and more.

Now, do I think you should not go to lunch with your beloved co-worker, just because your other co-worker just because your friends feel abandoned? Not necessarily. This may be a price you’re willing to pay, and that’s your prerogative.

But this is the wrong question, because I’m not here to dispense dating advice, but sex and the workplace advice. And if you keep that focus, as you should, the only pertinent question is: How will his affect your chances, of landing that promotion, and/or pay raise, you THINK you are long overdue for?  Does it up your chances, or detract from them? Your call. Your choice.

Just know that you if you disregard this, your chances will be distracted from, substantially. After all, no one is going to promote, let alone give a pay raise, or a bonus, to someone who is, now, not liked by even his or her own friends in the team (before you may have been disliked, only by
non-friends – which is also important, and potentially telling, but different).

And please note, you’re being disliked, for the wrong reason! It’s okay to be not-so-liked, for challenging professional calls you have made. Actually, it may be much more than just “okay” – it may be the qualifying factor for a leadership position, because you will have proven yourself, as one who can make challenging calls, despite paying a price in their popularity. So that would have been great for your chances of a promotion and a pay raise!

But no. You are currently not-so-liked, by your own friends, because you have ditched them! That goes against leadership: How will you invoke loyalty, and commitment, if people know you’ll ditch them, for a new “attraction”, any time? Answer: You won’t! Therefore no soup for you!

Plus, you are, once again, screwing yourself, in yet another way. Think about it: you love birds synchronize your schedule, to make this daily doing-lunch-together, possible. This has a domino effect on other coworkers, whenever they are trying to set up meetings with one of you, to work on an assignment you share with them. It’s hard enough to find overlapping open slots as it is, but now that you are a clique, it’s even worse!

Thus, once again, your ability to do your job, to keep deadlines, and to cooperate with others, is diminished. Does this sound conducive, to being top-of-mind for a pay raise, or promotion? Or even just eligible?

Another example straight out of your everyday workday

2. Meetings

You’re going into a meeting with the rest of the team, and one of you lovey-dovey couple gets there first. Now, anybody who tries to sit next to you, is getting brushed off – although very nicely, and with a smile – because you’re saving it for your schmoopie.

So.. what, now we are calling ‘dibs’ on the seating arrangements, in meetings? Really? What’s next, a food fight? This is a place of work, guys, not kindergarten!

Not to mention this is an overt preferential treatment: You’re saying, to whomever is trying to sit next to you, ‘I don’t want you – I want her’ (or him)!

The first or second co-workers, may take it lightly, but then, the more people come into the meeting room, the more overt, obvious, and obnoxious it gets. So the meeting cannot start with the same casual, amicable atmosphere as it used to – there’s overt and covert resentment towards you, schmoopie et schmoopie.