Passed Over for Promotion & Pay Raise:
What To Do (and Not Do)
Right After
to Get Another Shot

Why “Good Boy” Employees Finish Last:
Family Dynamics Is a Good Analogy to
Your Relationship With Your Boss!

“Management” is akin to parenthood (with all the obvious differences) and your boss’s dread of you (after having passed you over) is very much akin to parents’ reaction to unruly children: Think of a family when… where one kid is a good boy and the other is a bad boy: the parents energy, focus, and intent will be naturally directed towards dealing with the bad boy with the result of neglecting the good one. This means, at first, trying to educate him than disciplining him more and more but as time goes by, if his rambunctious behavior is still intact, their energy will dwindle and they will do anything to avoid confrontation with that child, to the point of laxing their demands of him in terms of house rules, chores, and general behavior, even at the expense of their parental values [so for example their parental educational value may be (in terms of behavior) to insist the boy addresses adults politely (both at home and at school) which is a great educational value (to show respect) but in practice they would look the other way when the bad boy is being disrespectful to them or to uncles and aunts and teachers, just out of exhaustion and fear of turning yet another mundane situation into a full blown tantrum… ] (and anybody who’s ever dealt with kids knows exactly what I’m talking about) So now: the whole family dynamics are flipped-a complete 1-80: not only is the bad boy catered to and constantly appeased by his parents, but also, the good boy is getting all the discipline! Furthermore: the parents’ nerves are so frayed at this point that the good boy is being disciplined for every minor infringement that would have otherwise gone either not noticed or noticed but not retaliated So the good boy is being disciplined even if he doesn’t deserve it, and when he does deserve it– to a harsher degree than his behavior warrants! It’s all topsy-turvy!!! [and if you’re into a Freudian take on it, one may suggest that the parents are much harsher with a good boy as an overcompensation for their failure with a bad boy, and as a means of channeling they’re own growing frustrations and hostility.] Keep this in mind – it will relate back to your boss later on Now, it may seem that we’ve digressed there, but no – let me assure you: this is right on topic because this is the professional and the political and personal and psychological context your boss is functioning in – and if you want to get ahead at an office that he’s running you need to understand it. Thoroughly. Plus I did promise you a deep drill-down into your boss’ psychology and that’s exactly what we doing. So in this family analogy the parents are obviously your boss but you might be wondering which of the kids you are: the good boy or the bad boy- this will become clear later on so hang in there! It will totally be worth it – I promise! So, to wrap up this example, the most important and pertinent-to-your-situation point here is: understanding why and how this unfair and completely up-side-down dynamics are possible?! The answer is quite sobering (if not completely depressing) if you stop to think about it: It is possible listen…listen to this… It is possible only because the parents know – drum roll – the good boy will comply… the disciplinary action would go uncontested even if somewhat protested In other words: the good boy gets the shorter end of the stick just because his parents do not fear a retaliation from him: So the paradox is if you are a “good boy” – in the sense that you are not feared- you lose. [a bit of a dramatic pause here is warranted] Now, does it mean that you need to be uncontrollable? Impossible to deal with? Unpleasant? An a**hole? Of course not! God no! It does mean however that being too “vanilla” will get you tossed aside too easily every time for sure. “vanilla” doesn’t make the cut – you should mix in some stronger flavors to create a more robust office persona. And obviously you need to have a level of sophistication here to do it right: it’s all about subtleties and degrees of subtleties… I’ll address that more in the next part. Also, there’s a huge caveat that comes with all that! So please listen carefully: (like that song from the 60s: don’t let me be misunderstood!) Do not twist this into some cop out as to why you actually lost that promotion or pay raise or both: “oh poor me I’m just too good of a person so they step all over me” [weep weep] “the world is so cruel and unfair” well of course it is – we all know that but it is irrelevant And as I said in the previous master class: this workplace the one you’re in this is the sandbox you chose to play in so you need to figure out the rules of how to win in it or get out and find another send box to play in one with rules you like better and i would applaud you for such a move (as long as you do it smartly) and help you in any way i can to do this transition, but as long as you choose (I’m big on personal responsibility as you can tell, by now) so as long as you choose to stay where you are (be it out of convenience or fear or whatever it is) I don’t want to hear any bitching about how supposedly “unfair” your workplace is!!!