Passed Over for Promotion & Pay Raise:
What To Do (and Not Do)
Right After
to Get Another Shot

Your Boss’ 5 Stress Stages After Passing You Over:
While you’re going through the 5 grief stages –
your boss is going through a parallel stressful process

OK, time to put everything together.

Your boss is akin to those parents with the “good boy” and the “bad boy”. The good boy – let’s now call him the “good boy employee” (because we want to apply the analogy to your workplace reality) – so the good boy employee is good, from the boss’s perspective (which is the whole point of this whole masterclass), in the sense that the boss does not dread him, and does not expect any overt objection, or any sort of retaliation from him (from the “good boy employee”), in terms of damaging the work, in some way, in reaction to the boss’ decisions.

And this lack of dread is true, even when the boss’ decision is to pass over said “good boy employee” for a promotion, or a pay raise, or both.

The flip side is, that the boss does dread the “bad boy” – let’s now call him the “bad boy employee” – in regards to the “bad boy employee” ‘s  possible reaction, to every move the boss makes, as his boss: Will there be a tantrum? Will there be a delay in deadlines? Will “bad boy employee” incite others in the team, against the boss?

Which brings us full circle to where we started: the different scenarios your boss is frantically running in his head, because he does not know whether you are going to be a “good boy employee” or a “bad” one, after being passed over by him, in terms of:
– how subdued or vocal your reaction would be
– how implicit or explicit you will express your disappointment, and
– weather you would keep it between yourself and him (the boss), or try to drag as many people in the team, in, as possible…

And because he does not know, which of those scenarios you’re going to play out, he dreads you and has anxiety over you not being promoted (by him) just like you do and maybe. Even. More.

Thus, once again: Q.E.D.

Furthermore, this is why your boss -as any other boss, to be fair- will always take the “good boy employee” for granted, trusting that, that front is secure for him, while constantly trying to appease the “bad boy employee”, in order to divert himself from any potential conflict, that is always on the horizon with the “bad boy employee” in his team.

And actually, if you stop to think about it you’ll see, this paradox is true for every facet of life, not just work: relationships, family, friends – the lot!

So, “Dorothy”, now that your little doggy Toto has pulled back the curtain, on your boss’ psychology, (just as promised), you understand how and why, your boss is much more vulnerable, than you might have originally thought him to be. Thus, not the all-powerful-wizard-of-Oz, but just some guy, pulling on some levers, quite clueless as to what to do, in the face of direct, or even potential conflict!

Indeed, as you are going through your five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, as the famous psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross postulated, your boss is going through 5 stages of his own – and here they are, as per my observations over the years:

(We’ve actually already touched on most of them, but let me just wrap it up nicely for you, now)

1. Anxiety

This is true especially if you were indeed a valid contender, (for that promotion or pay raise or both). The more valid you were, the more anxiety your boss experiences, at the time leading into the decision to pass you over, while making it (which, by the way, he probably would have liked not to fall on his shoulders, at all), and right after making the decision to pass you over.

And it’s easy to understand why: The closer the race was, the more difficult it was for your boss to choose.

Which, of course, begs the question: What was the tipping point against you, if indeed it was a close call. Or, if it turns out it wasn’t a close call, why wasn’t it so?

And worse yet: Why did you think it was – when it wasn’t???

Many heavy issues we need to seriously drill down into, in the future, as we most definitely will – I’m actually writing a book about it – there’s so much to say…

But for now let’s go on with the 5 stages your boss goes through, after having passed you over.

2. Monitoring

This is a highly alert and tense time for your boss, as he carefully observes your reaction to being passed over by him, and its influence on everybody else’, within the team.

Especially, monitoring the tension – either implicit or explicit – that is bound to exist between you, and the one who got “your” promotion, plus the whole office political dynamics, as a result of that.

All that, while wishing that you will either curb your emotions, as much as possible, or that if you do express your disappointment explicitly, that it will be manageable, and not distract the team too much, from its needed performance.

And now, the road bifurcates.

If it turns out that you are indeed subdued, and if the impact on the political, and professional, and interpersonal dynamics within the team, is minimal, then, the next 3 stages he would go through, to complete his cycle of 5, are what I call The 3 R’s:

3. Relief at your lack of over-reaction (from his POV)

4. Reassurance on his decision not to promote you but that other guy, and

5. Resumption of business as usual.

Note: Whether you are truly subdued, or just passive aggressively so, is another matter. B but at this point, you poor boss will gladly take any form of “subdued”.

This is what your boss hopes happen.

In other words, this would happen, if you turn up to be a “good boy employee”.

However, if you’re not as subdued, in your reaction to being passed over, as your boss would have hoped, then he goes through a totally different set of 3 steps. These would be:

3. Stress

Wondering how difficult is it going to be, how long it will last, how it will affect the team’s deliverables…

4. Appeasing

Working out a way, to give you something as a consolation prize.

And lastly:

5. Containing

Lowering the flames enough, so that he will have bought himself some more time, to find another opportunity for you, as a compensation for having failed you the first time.

In other words, this would happen if you turn up to be a “bad boy employee”. 

So, now that you know, as promised (i always keep my word) which do you prefer to be: the “good boy employee”, or the “bad boy employee”?