You Are Not Focused On The Job!

This was office romance BossProblem no. 1., and it made you un-promotable, and un-pay-raise-able, which is why we need to thoroughly fix it today!

A quick reminder: We have seen how you and Schmoopie‘s physical proximity at the office, increases your temptation to focus on yourselves, rather than the job itself, for which you are being paid.

So, not a promising path to ask for a pay raise, on top of your current salary, because you are not justifying it as it is, or a promotion, for that matter. [Watch here for the full post/video].

The method we are applying throughout that Big Fix, is reverse engineering, as we follow our breadcrumbs trail, we have laid all along,
to get us out of the woods, and back to eligibility, for both promotion, and pay raise.

Thus, the Fix here would seem to be, to readjust your focus, from your office romance, back to the job itself. This would be the obvious reverse engineering of you lack of focus that stems from your office romance. Right?

Well… technically – yes. Realistically – no.

Why? Because, never in the history of humankind, have two Schmoopie-s , in the thrall of passionately falling in love, been able to shift their focus, from one another, elsewhere.

All the more so, to a job, which is always so boring, and mundane, and frivolous even, in comparison. And all the more so yet, when your Schmoopie is right across the hall, or worse yet, right at the next cubicle!

So it is not going to happen. Which is why I don’t advise it.

Indeed, this reverse engineering, in this Fix, cannot count on you two, alone. Instead, it would take a full support system in the form of a “buddy system”, in three layers to do the job. But it will do so, very effectively!

What am I talking about? Stick around and find out – it will save your career!

Oh, and remember to watch this together with Schmoopie!

Last time, we have launched the Big Fix, which is the second part of this Sex in the Workplace Deck.

In it, we go over each and every office romance BossProblem we’ve covered, and reverse-engineer your way out of that specific predicament, so that you can restore your eligibility for that promotion and/or pay raise, you so want, which took a serious hit, once you embarked on your office romance.

And we do it as in-depth, and as meticulously, as we did the first part, so that you have this unique resource online – I truly do not know of any similar one, on this topic. So, hopefully, it is as practical to you, as I have intended it to be.

We have started with the Bonus office romance BossProblem, no. 8., because it should be your starting point to all the other Fixes.

And now, that you have that solid base, to build on, we start fixing the original 7 (the OG…), in order, one by one.

So let’s get to no. 1: You Are Not Focused On The Job!

To recap:

– You need to keep your focus on your job, when you’re at the office. Obviously.

– You cannot do that entirely on your own, because of biology’s raging hormones, when you are attracted to someone, or maybe even in love, which is further exacerbated by the fact that that someone, i.e., Schmoopie is nearby.

– Therefore, the Fix needed here, must address the fact that, even knowing what to do, it is hard to execute, on your own.

– Which is why I’ve devised this Fix, as a daily support system, that keeps you fully covered, as long as you implement its three layers,  concurrently.

The great thing about this Fix is, that once you get the idea, and you will very easily, you can simply rinse-and-repeat, for each of the three layers. So, it’s a three-in-one kind of thing.

The Fix: A daily support system, in three layers

Let me first explain what I mean, and then I’ll give the examples to illustrated it.

You and Schmoopie are going to form of a “buddy system”, in three layers, working from the outside in: External, internal, and solo.

How so? Simple.

At the external layer, each of you should enlist a close friend, preferably from outside of the office, to be your “buddy”, whom will keep you in check, by utilizing the following “system” (hence, the “buddy system”):

He or she will message you, or email, or call, or video call – whatever is most  convenient and effective for both of you. The medium or technology doesn’t matter. The repetition and content of that message, do.  

As to the repetition, your friend will contact you, at agreed-upon times, that don’t interfere with your work, otherwise it would defy the whole purpose. That could be on your commute to work, on your lunch break, and/or on Sunday night, as you gear yourself up, for another week… again, whatever is most  convenient and effective for both of you.

I call it VCN Voluntary, Constructive… wait for it… Nagging. (Voluntary, because you volunteer to be nagged). The term is facetious, but have no mistake – its purpose and function, are very serious.

Remember, you need this “buddy system” to help you focus on the job, because, as explained before, it would be nearly impossible to do so entirely on your own.

And I’m not talking about “forever”. Only for the initial head-over-heels phase, of your budding office romance, when you can’t think straight. Once this infatuation subsides, and hopefully true love has blossomed [I am getting poetic again], it will all naturally stabilized, and you’ll find focusing back on work, easier. Thus, office romance BossProblem no. 1., You Are Not Focused On The Job, will cease being a problem. In which time, you can release your friend from this lovingly obnoxious VCN Voluntary, Constructive Nagging.

OK, so we’ve seen how this “buddy system” works, in terms of its principle concept, which daily repetition is a part of. Now let’s get to the content of those messages, your friend will be sending you .

It shouldn’t be arbitrary, and your friend shouldn’t have to just come up with things, out of the top of his or her head.  This will prove ineffective. Both because your friend won’t be able to keep it up, (unless he or she are professional writers, which they’re probably not), and also because it just won’t do the job. You need to “hack” your psyche, and in order to do so, general tropes like “hey buddy, focus!”, won’t do. Instead the messages need to be very specific, custom made for you which means, they need to be very idiosyncratic.

Why? Exactly!

Whaaat???

Let me explain.

For such a nag, or nudge, or prod, to be effective, it has to invoke a desire you have. Because you’re not an idiot. You know you should focus on the job. The problem is you can’t, at this time – that’s the nature of this office romance BossProblem no. 1.

So simply repeating it, does not help you. Instead, the best motivator is the “why” of the job. You need to know to which end, or goal, or dream, or ambition, or all of the above, you need to focus on this job.

“Well, duh! I’m only doing it for the money”…

Sure, that’s totally legitimate. But, there is still a reason why you need this money!

“Yeah, well, I need this money to live”.

Exactly! That’s a big deal, being able to “live”! Now, what precisely in your life, do you want to finance, that is worth your time and effort, focusing on this job (which is the source of this financing)?

Remember, you were going for a promotion and a pay raise, until your coworker relationship interfered, hence this entire Deck trying to make you eligible again. So you do not only feel the need for the money you currently earn from this job – you have aspirations to earn more! Why?

Maybe you would like to move to a better apartment building, in a more exclusive neighborhood, with more amenities…
Or maybe you would like to buy house, and start your way on the property ladder.

Maybe you’re dreaming of a trip around the world, or to Europe or South America, or Southeast Asia…
Or maybe you have a hobby that requires some equipment you want to acquire or upgrade…

Maybe you need the money to develop your side hustle, hoping to one day become self-employed, and quit the rat race…
Or maybe you are saving and investing, hoping for an early retirement, when you will finally get to just do your thing…

It’s all good – whatever it is – as long as it sparks a vision of a better future within  you, from which you can reconnect with your professional, workplace, ambition, and from which you can derive… focus on the job – which is what we’re after here.

So, for example:

Your “buddy” could massage you something like: “So how much is that rent again?”, referring to that upgraded apartment you’re after. Or maybe “no focus – no Goa”, a well-known party scene state, in west India, it that’s your thing.

It could also be very idiosyncratic, from a negative side, i.e., not what you’re striving for, but what you’re running away from (which is actually, for most people, much more motivating, psychologically speaking). So maybe something like: “Your parents’ basement is kind of damp, right?”, to remind you what happens if this lack of focus, will cause you to lose this job, in which case, not only will you not be able to upgrade your apartment, as you so wish, but worse: You will be forced to go back home, with your tail between your legs… And what will become of your office romance, then?

You get the point. Note the messages are short and concise – this is not an essay…

So whatever it is, it should be very idiosyncratic, almost cryptic to anyone else. But you know, these are the buttons that can push you, and prod you, back on track.

Of course, Schmoopie should do the same.

Now, just rinse-and-repeat the same system, for the next two layers – remember we said you need three. Also remember, we are working from the outside in. We had “external” so now, the next layer would be “internal”, by which I mean, you and Schmoopie being each other’s “buddies”.

To make this layer effective, choose dreams and aspirations that are more romantically inclined: What will focusing on the job, (thus keeping everybody off your back – your boss included – thus, preventing this very office romance BossProblem we are talking about)… So what will focusing on the job enable you to have or do? This time, as a couple (before, it was about you alone).

For example,  you can remind one another, that if you manage to focus on the job, you could have a less stressful time at the office, because your relationship would not be a focal point, especially not a negative focal point, because you are focused on your job, and you’re on the money, in terms of delivery, so there would be less chance of friction between you two, because stress at the office can easily be transferred into the relationship. Thus, less stress at the office, may contribute to having a more fun and relaxed time, when you are together, outside of the office!

This will be win-win all around: Your teammates and boss win, by having less stress  around the office, and you two win, by having a better relationship. Yippee! That’s a great incentive! That could actually help you keep your focus on the job, which is the whole point.

Now you can reiterates this point to one another, whenever you can: On your commute, your lunch break, and so forth. Just as each of your external friend, did. for each of you. Which is why I said earlier, once you get the idea, you can simply rinse-and-repeat, for each of the three layers, in our “buddy system”.

And now, rinse-and-repeat the same system, for the third and last layer. Remember, we are working from the outside in. So, we had the “external” layer (your good friend being your “buddy”), then the “internal” layer (you and Schmoopie being each other’s “buddies”), and now the third, and last, layer, which is “solo”, by which I mean, you be you own “buddie”, and Schmoopie be her or his own, too.

Hey, I said you couldn’t do it on your own – that does not mean, you should be completely exempt! After all, this is your job, and your relationship, so it is your responsibility, first and foremost! We added the two other layers of support, but now it’s your turn – if you can’t support yourself, who can?

Here, in the “solo” layer, you should use positive or negative self-triggers, that you know can push you ahead. For example, remind yourself how much you want that promotion that comes with a pay raise, or maybe just a pay raise, independent of a promotion – that’s from a positive side.

From a negative side, push yourself to focus on the job by reminding yourself, how frustrated, and humiliated, you would be if you were to be passed over for some loser, whom will get it, instead of you. Argh.

Imagine coming to office, having to face him or her, re-experiencing this frustration and humiliation, day in, day out. Even having Schmoopie around won’t do the trick. At least not completely.

Of course, here, as well, Schmoopie should do the same for herself (or himself).

As an aside, let me just acknowledge an important issue here, but one that I will not dive deep into, because it is not the focus of this Deck [see, I have to keep my focus too].

So, with my Dear Abby hat on, once again, reluctantly, once again, let us acknowledge that the tricky part of this whole Fix is, that there is always one whom is better able to compartmentalize, therefore better able to keep focus on the job.

Usually, this would be the man.

And no, it’s not a “social construct”. It’s biology – the way their brains are wired.

When this happens, i.e., one of you better succeeds in focusing, the other might take offense: How could it be? Are you not as into me as I am you?

Which means, paradoxically, this party will be punished by the other party, for doing the exact thing, you have both agreed upon, which was to, indeed, focus on the job, while at work.

Usually, this would be the woman. Sad, but true.

There is no way out of it, other than a lot of – and I mean a lot – of  introspective work, on the part of the offended party.

[Which reminds me the whole “the party of the first part and the party of the second part” bit, by the absolutely immortal Marx Brothers in A Night at the Opera (1935)