This post / video answers the question: What can I do when my office romance becomes a distraction for others, namely my teammates and my boss?

Knowing what to do in this case, is important because it causes friction at the office, which is never good news, for your chances of landing that promotion and a raise, you so want.

This post / video, will show you the exact step-by-step action you need to take, to Fix this office romance BossProblem!

So, let The Big Fix continue!

The Big Fix is the name of the second part of this Sex and the Workplace Deck. In the first part, we mapped, and deep-dived into, all the 7+1 office romance BossProblems. Here, we are fixing them, one by one.

The Big Fix is a guided, detailed, goal-oriented, step-by-step, journey back, to restoring your eligibility, after your office romance has rendered you un-promotable, and un-pay-raise-able. Which this video is going to fix!  

[“Journey” is such an overused word these days, that I hate using it, but here it is very appropriate, so…]

Today, we are fixing office romance BossProblem no. 2.: You Become a Distraction for Others. In it, we’ve seen how you are a focal point at the office, but of the wrong kind: Not for some professional acumen, excellence, and achievements, but for your love life ; Exacerbated by the Grapevine you have propelled, through your suggestive rapport with Schmoopie, at the office.

If you’ve missed that post / video, or if you’d like a reminder, check it out here, before watching this video.

For everybody else: Let’s fix it, so that you can once again be eligible, for that promotion and pay raise, you so want!

Stick around! It’ll be worth your time! 

Let’s get straight to it.

Today we are fixing office romance BossProblem no. 2., which was: You Become a Distraction for Others.

The Fix here is: Shift – Communicate – Manage

So, three parts to this Fix. Each is built on the foundation of the previous one, so they need to be executed consecutively.

I will thoroughly explain, each and every one, and give you the exact step-by-step action you need to take, to best execute each part of this Fix, to make you, once again, eligible, for that promotion and pay raise, you so want!

Part 1: Shift

Shift your attitude, in regards to what is private, and what is not, with your office romance.

What will hinder this part of the Fix? Thinking your office romance is your private business, only.

What will help with this part of the Fix? Realizing it is not, and understanding why.

So right off the bat, let’s see what is private, and get it out of the way. Needless to say, the intimate details of your office romance are, and always will be, your private business. That’s not the issue. Let’s see what is.

There are, actually, three separate, but intertwined, issues here [somehow, everything in the world is always divided into three-s] :

I. Not only is your office romance not your private business exclusively, but it is actually everybody’s business, at the office.
From your teammates to your boss, and, depending on the situation, sometimes even your clients and vendors, if you can believe it. And you need to!

Why? Because it affects them. And when something affects people, it is only natural, they will react, one way or another.

Which brings us to the second issue:

II. People have that right to react, because the effect of your office romance,  is not only real, but is mostly negative!

It interferes negatively with everybody’s day-to-day office life, both professionally and inter-personally. Either overtly, or covertly (which is actually worse).

So, of course they react, and of course their reaction is mostly on the negative side.

We have detailed this whole messy situation, in the original video here.

And, finally:
III. The mere reaction of everybody at the office, to your budding relationship with your coworker, is not in and of itself “wrong”, or “mean”, or “reprehensible” – not in and of itself!

Why? Because, well, first of all, people have a right to form opinions about anything and everything, your office romance included. But, more specifically to the point, people have that right because your coworker love is imposed on them!  

It is you and Schmoopie, whom are putting your relationship in everybody’s face, not the other way around! So don’t you dare shifting the blame to them! You are not the victim here. If anything, you are the victimizer.

So, you need to, completely shift your attitude. Hence, the “Shift” in Shift – Communicate – Manage.

You do this Shift in three steps: [three-s again…]

a. Shift in your point of view
b. Shift your attitude
c. Shift your behavior.

Let’s expand on that.

a. Shift in your point of view
From that of yours only (both you individually, and you two, as a couple), to that of your teammates’ and boss’.

The good news is, that you have already done this: This was the linchpin of our entire analysis, throughout the first part of this Deck, where we mapped and deep-dived into all the 7+1 office romance BossProblems.

So, you have this step covered. Now you can build on that, with the second step:

b. Shift your attitude
From perplexion at your teammates’ and boss’ less-than-enthusiastic reactions to your office romance (why are they so mean to us? What’s the big deal? Why can’t they just be happy for us?), to an understanding and an acknowledgment of why it is so (oh, that’s why! Now we get it! It’s because, from their point of view, everything we are, and do, as a couple, creates an awful lot of BossProblems. 7+1, to be exact…).

Now, the final touch: Step three

c. Shift your behavior

Use steps 1 and 2 as your guiding light, as to how to handle yourselves, as a couple, around the office. Namely, act consciously, to reduce any potential point of contention, that stems from having a relationship with a coworker.

How exactly?

By implementing every Fix that is relevant to your specific situation, as being detailed in this second half of the Deck, named The Big Fix.

If you do that, you will have, almost automatically, shifted everybody’s pet peeve about you two, into an almost non-issue.

The beauty of it is that, instead of being oblivious and clueless, as you were before, you can now be proactive in shaping how everybody at the office is relating, and reacting, to you, as a couple.

In other words, you get to be in control! Which is a game changer, for any ambitious professional, as you are.

Plus, shifting your behavior, in all the many ways The Big Fix determines, will undo – unless for some extreme circumstances – the damage your office romance had to your chances, for that promotion and pay raise, you so want – which is exactly what this is all about!

So that was the Shift part of this Fix: Shift – Communicate – Manage. Shift your point of view, Shift your attitude, Shift your behavior.

Part 2 of this Fix: Shift – Communicate – Manage: Communicate

Communicate the nature of your relationship, to your teammates, and boss.

What will hinder this part of the Fix? Thinking you can hide it. You can’t.

What will help with this part of the Fix? Realizing you are not good enough actors. Sorry to potentially dampen your artistic sensibilities, guys, but you’re not. Everybody knows something is going on!

There are four issues here [ahh, finally something exists in the world, that is not in three-s. What a relief] :

a. Why you need to communicate the nature of your relationship, to your teammates, and boss
b. The strategy for this communication
c. The exact timing
d. Communicate the end

Let’s check each issue out.

a. Why do you need to communicate the nature of your relationship, to your teammates, and boss?
Because, well, two reasons: Control and Pragmatism.

I. Control
You want to take control over any bit of information, that has to do with you. As an individual, and now, as a couple too. If you don’t, people will project their ideas, onto you. Why would you let this happen? It is never good!

People will – wittingly and unwittingly – twist and distort who you really are. And that would drive you mad!

You want that promotion and pay raise – you cannot afford not being in control of your image, and the Brand that stems from it (we expand on fixing your Brand here).

The second reason why you need to communicate the nature of your relationship, to your teammates, and boss, is:  

II. Pragmatism: If you can’t beat them – join them

From the moment you and Schmoopie were on each other’s radar, everybody knew something was going on. And those that didn’t know – the coworkers and colleagues whom don’t work as closely with you – suspected.

How so? Well, people who spend the better part of the day with you, every day, sometimes for several years, have you all figured out.

They know your gaze, and they know your patterns of speech (like tone of voice, or degree of matter-of-factness, for example). They know all that when you interact with them, as dispassionate coworkers. Therefore, it is easy for them to detect the difference, when you gaze at, or speak with, Schmoopie. Even when the difference is subtle, because you are trying to hide it.

It might be embarrassing for you two, to acknowledge this fact, because it’s always unsettling to realize, you are exposed, when you think you are being discrete. Nevertheless, this is the truth. Simply realize it. That’s it.

You should consider the same type of communication, to clients and vendors, and for the same reasons.

Here are the three […] considerations for making this call:

I. Both you and Schmoopie are working closely with them, on a regular basis
II. There is a camaraderie between all of you, that has expanded from the strictly professional, to the personal
III. They are working closely with other members of your team as well, so are bound, at some point, to be expose to, or even intentionally included, in the Grapevine loop.

If all these considerations apply, communicate your relationship to them as well.

Now, to the second issue (out of four) in the “Communicate” part of the Shift – Communicate – Manage Fix.

b. The strategy for this communication
and that is:
Be “ahead of the story”: Communicate sooner, rather than later.

What will hinder this part of the Fix? Letting your potential discomfort in “coming out” to your teammates and boss, make you wait too long.

What will help with this part of the Fix? Realizing the Grapevine is always there,  percolating at the background. About you and Schmoopie.

Being “ahead of the story” is a PR (Public Relations) term, meaning you proactively move the “narrative”, which is another PR term, which means the story you want people to know, about the issue at hand.

In this case, it means you are taking control over what people think is going on, with you and Schmoopie.

The principle here is, that for every conflict you ever encounter in the workplace (which is what you have right now, with your teammates and boss, even if covert), you should never let others, beat you to defining the “narrative”. (And by the way, this is true for life in general, as well)

This principle is based in human psychology, and cognition.

The first party [it’s that Marx Brothers bit again…] to present a compelling “story”, or even just any reasonable story – gets a huge leg up, towards winning the conflict, at least in terms of “public opinion”.

Why? Because the first “story” will operate as a “cognitive anchor”. And once it is lodged into people’s minds, it’s very hard to dislodge it.

In other words, if you don’t tell your teammates and boss, your story –  the Grapevine will do it for you. This can never be good for you, because the Grapevine is like a game of “telephone”: Each time the rumor is relayed, it gets distorted further and further.

Thus, if the rumor starts with: “Hey, Jack and Jill have the hots for one another”, within two or three people, it will evolve into: “Jack and Jill are getting married”. And by end of business that day, it will be: “Jill’s pregnant with Joe’s baby, and Jack doesn’t know about it”.

Which is why you want to get “ahead of the story” and make sure the “cognitive anchor” is your version.

Now, to the third issue (out of four) in the “Communicate” part of the Shift – Communicate – Manage Fix:

c. The exact timing

What will hinder this part of the Fix? Stressing over it, and second-guessing yourself, once you have decided to do it

What will help with this part of the Fix? Realizing there can never be perfect timing, for “coming out” as an “office romance”, to your teammates and boss.

This one is tricky. Finding the right timing here is hard, because you are torn between not wanting to get too “ahead of the story”, when you yourselves, are not even sure what is going on, and where exactly it will lead, but also wanting to be in control of how and when it happens, rather than having to deal with a raging Grapevine fire dumpster. 

So what do you do?

Unfortunately, there is no exact formula here. Your timing would not, and could not, ever be perfect.

Why? Because the natural progression of your relationship is such that,  it takes too long to be sure of it, if you do it right (by implementing the Fixes we have discussed in the Bonus Fix post / video. Check it out here if you’ve missed it). and that is too long, to keep the Grapevine from erupting.

Indeed, you need to:
a. first, be sure of your own feelings towards your coworker
b. then, look for cues in their behavior, when they interact with you, to see if that is mutual
c. then, to progress slowly, because you don’t want to screw your place of work up, by being embarrassed, or humiliated, with a public rejection, or, God forbid, be charged with sexual harassment
d. then, you need to “come out” to one another
e. then, you need to be going out for a while, to see that it’s working out…

So that’s five (!) steps, or stages, right there, before you can even consider “coming out” to everybody at the office, let alone being ready to do it.

But, by that time – the Grapevine is already raging, and everybody knows, or suspect, or speculates behind your back, or even teases you to your face. What a mess!

However, I can’t just leave you like this, hanging-out-to-dry, with no solution, so here is my advice. Three steps [three-s again. Told ya]:

1. Come to terms with a fact that, you will never be able to completely hide your interest in your coworker, nor be able to completely avoid the gossip. So it is a mitigation game, not a win-lose game.
2. Mitigate the situation by being extremely discrete. Whatever you think extremely discreet is – push yourself to an even more extreme degree than that.
3. Once you and Schmoopie have already “come out” to one another, if at all possible, minimize your professional, and physical, and temporal (of time) interface and interaction, at the office. For example:

– Take on different tasks and projects
– Take lunch at different times
– Arrive and leave separately, and at different times
– Work remotely, at least part of the time
– Take a day off, alternately: If Schmoopie is there – you are not, and vice versa.
Yes, it will cost you time off of your vacation allotment ;
Yes it’s a shame to spend it on your own ;
Yes you will be apart during most of the day (i.e., business hours) ;
But these are very small prices to pay, for the huge benefit of keeping your job, keeping your eligibility for that promotion and pay raise, you so want, and for keeping the Grapevine, to a minimum.

This leaves us with the fourth  and last issue, in the “Communicate” part of the Shift – Communicate – Manage Fix, (wow we’ve managed a lot today!) and, apropos, of course, there is still the “Manage” part, of the Shift – Communicate – Manage Fix.

Both are crucial, so I would hate to rush through them, or skimp on the step-by-step actions they offer. Because I know those exact steps would add that much more value to you, as you work your way back to eligibility, after your office romance has rendered you un-promotable, and un-pay-raise-able. Which this post / video, as part of The Big Fix,  has helped you fix!